This is how I like dem apples:

  It occurred to me the other day that as of late I've been having a lot of conversations about apples. It's hard to say where this preoccupation of mind stemmed from but now that I've acknowledged it I can no longer refrain from disclosing the truth to everyone possible: I love apples; infact I dare say that of all fruits there is none more noble than the glorious Malus Domestica.

 Bananas may be cheaper, but only delicious on the chance that they are the right amount of ripe, and then all too soon their zing subsides to mushy flavourlessness. Peaches are juicier but at the price that the juices dribble down the chin making the enjoyment of them an embarrasing ordeal. Apples don't bruise as easily, they have the right amount of juice, plus they can be enjoyed anywhere at anytime making them ideal for picnics, lunches or bribes to teachers. But above all what makes apples so amazing is their availibility to me at a reasonable price despite their great taste, unlike snobby grapes and  strawberries of disdain. Truly the apple is the Robin Hood of fruit.

 I could go on forever about the infinite qualities of apples which make them ideal. Actually that last paragraph was initially five paragraphs which had much more expostulation and passion. Who needs expostulation though? We all know in our heart or hearts how great apples are, even if we don't admit it. What is of more concern is how we go about professing our love for apples. In the expression of their greatness words may go too far and carry dangerous connotations which warp an otherwise healthy appreciation.

 For example, I was talking to my human sister Braleigh the other day on facebook chat and I broached the topic of my love for apples. Her immediate response was "what are your favourite kinds of apple?" I felt that something was wrong with this question and it's immediacy, but having never been exposed to her ideas before I responded "granny smith or golden delicious". Truthfully I do not, as I feel I should not, have a favourite kind, these are simply the first two that popped into my head in answer to a perverse question.

 Yes, perverse I say, and given her reply it's not hard to understand my discomfort. She said " Wow. You're so basic". Now her question may be interpreted fairly but coupled with that response I cannot but declare it to be the exact definiton of Apple Racism! (apple racism: a belief or doctrine that inherent differences amongst various apple races determine superiority) What's worse is she went on in unatural zeal to describe her loyalty to pink lady, jazz, and cameo apples as though the appeal of these kinds could not be acheived by variations. Sickening. Even through the medium of the internet my skin was crawling.

 She needs to be stopped. WE must put a stop to this poisonous apple racism and prevent these seeds of hatred from growing into indomitable trees of destruction. Cut the problem at it's core! This is a call to arms! Who's with me?!

 ( I think from here on in I will attempt to include the phrase "this is a call to arms!" in all of my posts)